An EnDEERing Moment

© Captain Kimo

I’ve been working on my attitude toward life and living, trying to make sense of why I’m still here while one of my sons is deceased. I’ve been driving myself insane, searching here, digging there, talking with this one, crying with that one, even went to a church service to find something – a speck of knowledge which would ‘click’ with my spirit – opening the doors of wisdom where all answers are discovered through tenacious inquiry.

Nothing seemed to help. The knowledge seemed to be hidden in a secluded cavern, never to be found – until I opened my mind’s eye, and there it was, right before me – within me – where it had always been, waiting for me to look within.

© Unknown

A realization flashed the truth that we are all here to live our own lives, on our life’s path, making decisions that steer our own – individual life – we all live our life alone, in the midst of each other. Our paths may intertwine, but never blend into one. Only one life per path.

Somewhere in that realization, and much thought about my surviving sons and their lives, caused me to release myself from the guilt of outliving one of my children. I am on my path. My sons are on their paths. My deceased son walked his path as a good man, father, son, brother and soul. His path reached its end, as all of ours will. He is now, wherever “next” is.

© Unknown
Source: Google

I am still here, and as I revelled in the knowledge within, I went to the patio to take in the beauty of my “church” – the outdoors – nature. While the birds twittered at the feeder, a squirrel spied from the tree trunk to see if I noticed he was about to become a trapeze artist and fling himself onto the bird feeder. I pointed my finger at him and whispered, “no.” I did not want his acrobatics to make such a noise as to frighten away the deer which I had been admiring in the distance – a doe and her two fawns.

Thoughts raced through my mind for the deer’s safety since hunting season has just begun out here. I wondered how I could somehow save them from poachers. Hunting is legal out here, and I don’t want to debate on the ecosystem, but it made me sad to think how one or all of them may be killed during this season.

© Michael Dougherty

Quieting those unhappy thoughts, I chose to silence my speculations, and merely feel the beauty of the moment, knowing how privileged I was to live this moment of natural beauty, watching a young mother and her two babes, doing what they do in their natural home.

I am back on track. Truly, I feel this admission deeply. In this moment, this very moment, I am thankful for all with whom my path has ran alongside, intersected, circled, dead-ended, began anew, and intertwined.

Life is good. I’m back on track, and all the stronger for learning and living through this trying time in my life.

© Unknown
Source: Google

Blessings to all who suffer.
I hope you find peace, as I have.


13 responses to “An EnDEERing Moment

  1. Such beautiful words.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Good that you have found a piece of truth that makes some kind of sense to you.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. A deep truth we all face to some extent when others die before us and we don’t understand why. Thank you for sharing. Your emotions come through in such an honest way, it is inspiring.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Good to hear of your new found freedom and happiness. Eddie

    Liked by 1 person

  5. These strings of realisations are beautiful and I’m so happy for you that you were able to find some peace and few answers for yourself. Much love your way🌺

    Liked by 1 person

  6. This is so powerful. My heart has ached alongside you for your grief, and my own grief from family bereavement and I am still trying to find my own answers. Reading your insight brought me a measure of comfort and I am full of gratitude to you for sharing it. Wishing you continued peace on your healing journey.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, Marie. We each have our own individual way for healing, and I truly believe the answer lies within us, deep inside. I also believe that we do not find the answer until we are “ready” for it.

      It’s been a very, very, very rough road for me, and I will love my late son forever through remembering the happy times and being thankful that I was so lucky to be his mom.

      {{Hugs}} to you as you search for your peace. It’s there for you. It truly is. ❤


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