Tag Archives: Healing Grief

An EnDEERing Moment

© Captain Kimo

I’ve been working on my attitude toward life and living, trying to make sense of why I’m still here while one of my sons is deceased. I’ve been driving myself insane, searching here, digging there, talking with this one, crying with that one, even went to a church service to find something – a speck of knowledge which would ‘click’ with my spirit – opening the doors of wisdom where all answers are discovered through tenacious inquiry.

Nothing seemed to help. The knowledge seemed to be hidden in a secluded cavern, never to be found – until I opened my mind’s eye, and there it was, right before me – within me – where it had always been, waiting for me to look within.

© Unknown
Google

A realization flashed the truth that we are all here to live our own lives, on our life’s path, making decisions that steer our own – individual life – we all live our life alone, in the midst of each other. Our paths may intertwine, but never blend into one. Only one life per path.

Somewhere in that realization, and much thought about my surviving sons and their lives, caused me to release myself from the guilt of outliving one of my children. I am on my path. My sons are on their paths. My deceased son walked his path as a good man, father, son, brother and soul. His path reached its end, as all of ours will. He is now, wherever “next” is.

© Unknown
Source: Google

I am still here, and as I revelled in the knowledge within, I went to the patio to take in the beauty of my “church” – the outdoors – nature. While the birds twittered at the feeder, a squirrel spied from the tree trunk to see if I noticed he was about to become a trapeze artist and fling himself onto the bird feeder. I pointed my finger at him and whispered, “no.” I did not want his acrobatics to make such a noise as to frighten away the deer which I had been admiring in the distance – a doe and her two fawns.

Thoughts raced through my mind for the deer’s safety since hunting season has just begun out here. I wondered how I could somehow save them from poachers. Hunting is legal out here, and I don’t want to debate on the ecosystem, but it made me sad to think how one or all of them may be killed during this season.

© Michael Dougherty

Quieting those unhappy thoughts, I chose to silence my speculations, and merely feel the beauty of the moment, knowing how privileged I was to live this moment of natural beauty, watching a young mother and her two babes, doing what they do in their natural home.

I am back on track. Truly, I feel this admission deeply. In this moment, this very moment, I am thankful for all with whom my path has ran alongside, intersected, circled, dead-ended, began anew, and intertwined.

Life is good. I’m back on track, and all the stronger for learning and living through this trying time in my life.

© Unknown
Source: Google

Blessings to all who suffer.
I hope you find peace, as I have.

BAR_LINE

Dear Director of the Universe and all Existence,

I’m pissed. There is no other way to convey my feeling. I could be “proper,” and say, “I’m angry,” but I’m not. Angry does not convey the same quality of emotion as the vulgarity of the word, “pissed.” And, I am pissed!

You have plotted a path for me. I have traveled with faith, and without it. Neither position seemed to make a difference in the outcome of my personal path.

I have learned that every hardship in life makes us stronger — spiritually, personally, and emotionally. But, man oh man, You have brought me to the end of my limit now.

You were there when I made big, bad, life-choices. You probably laughed at what lay ahead of me in my life-lessons of consequences. Yeah. You laughed, I cried while learning and growing. And, I grew. And, I learned. But, what on earth, Heaven or Hell made you think that I was strong enough for this last lesson? The lesson of “pain?”

I watched with you, as my late husband died, unexpectedly, 29 years ago. I watched, with you, as my son was devoured by pancreatic cancer — last year. And here’s the kicker…

The morning that I left my son’s home to return to my home in Oklahoma, because I needed urgent eye surgery, my dying son woke up, and had breakfast ready for his brother and I.

Sure, it was just a microwave Aunt Jemima egg muffin, but, it was warm, it was ready for us, … so was hot coffee… at 4 o’clock in the morning! How, how, how does a body do that two weeks away from dying? Two weeks away from starvation finally claiming his life? How does one COOK for others while not being able to eat? What a cruel, vicious being you are.

I could not work today, at my transcription job, because of pains and bruises from a weekend of raking and bagging leafs.

spinePain

©Google Images

My neck, disc problems, prevented the use of my shoulders/arms. I spent the day doing nothing other than thinking about what I wanted/planned to do today. I spent the day consumed with anger. I had the will, my body did not have the power.

Today reminded me of what my son must have felt as his body withered, eaten away by cancer, but he had the perseverance/fortitude and did what he wanted to do! Why can’t I?

2015_0308_96_CarWreck004

©Swoosieque

Sure, I’ve had cancer, I’m still alive (right now) but the damage that was done to my body after that ’96 car wreck is coming to haunt my spine… my ability to do the physical things I have always done is but a memory.

Nothing was bigger than me, even when I was a sprite, 105 lb. mother of four. I was bigger than my ambitions, my projects, and I succeeded. I always found a ‘way’ to succeed.

Where/when did I lose that power? Why could I not “work” today?

If I cannot “do,” I do not want to continue in this earthly plane. For me, the worst Hell would be to be restricted, physically, from “doing.”

But, hey, the choice is not mine, is it?

Nope. The choice of what comes to me is not mine, but, how I deal with it, is. And, I will tell you what, Mr./Ms. Director of the Universe and all Existence, I will not go down quietly.

UphillBattle

©Google Images

I will wear my bruises proudly, walk with a limp, and know that I am the mother of sons… brave, honorable, productive spirits. I will face the bodily pains and limitations, and fight to “keep doing.” I will not go down peaceably, and I will rant and complain.

So, there you go. My testament to the Universe and Who/Whatever controls it… I am real, I am spirit, I am fierce, I will “be” whatever I will be, but I will NOT be a quitter.

Throw at me whatever you have next. I will … my spirit will conquer.

BAR_LINE