Tag Archives: PAIN

A Disappointing Lesson

© Fons Reijsbergen

Disappointments often result in learning great lessons.

This brings me to memories of when my sons were avid hockey players, playing for AAA teams. Winning and losing were valuable lessons they learned as well as “how” to win or lose, courteously. Being a part of a team taught them camaraderie, responsibility, and a desire to improve through hard work. Nevertheless, when a season would end without going to the finals, or winning the annual championship, they learned disappointment.

At my age, I have encountered many disappointments. They have tempered me — caused me to re-evaluate my desires and goals.

Last year’s earth-shattering disappointment came when my son died. Disappointment of cancer having claimed his life, taught me many, many, many lessons that only those of us who have lost a child can know, or understand. Since then, I seek simplicity in my life. I cherish moments with clarity.

© Swoosieque

© Swoosieque

I also continued to enjoy working in our large yard — 1.3 acres. But this year, last month, while working in the yard, I damaged my neck and shoulder. My neck had already been in bad shape since a very bad car wreck in ’96, but, my attitude was that as long as I was not paralyzed, I was going to thankfully “use” my body. And, I have used my body, pushed it hard, and reveled in the pleasure of seeing the beautiful results of my gardens.

Grouchy_Sitting_On_BenchMy first reaction to this nearly debilitating pain was anger. I am not the type of person who enjoys sitting. I would much rather be outside, cultivating, communing with Nature. I tried doing small outdoor chores which only aggravated my painful condition even more. Finally, when the pain was intense enough to wake me from a deep sleep every night for a week, with pain akin to someone sticking a huge knitting needle through the cap of my shoulder, through to my neck, I surrendered to the fact that I must take time to heal.

Not being able to do things requiring the use of two arms has limited even my indoor activities. My home is collecting dust, my carpets need vacuuming. I am not at ease in my home, find it difficult to relax if the house is not spotless. I am, however, learning through the disappointing limitations of my injury, that I must accept these temporary situations, and put my priorities in proper perspective.  I must accept, and respect the rules laid out for proper healing, no matter how long it will take.

GardenBirdsPatience is a life-long lesson for me. This time, however, through all of the accumulated lessons from disappointment, I am learning to live-in-the-moment rather than dwell upon what I would rather be doing. This is one of the greatest lessons I will learn from disappointment — to live in the moment. To see and enjoy the beauties of Nature as I sit on my patio, watching the birds eat at our feeders, and bathe joyfully in their baths.

©Swoosieque

When my lesson is completed, and my neck/shoulder are healed, I will be more grateful than ever to return to transcription, and working in the yard.

 

For the Daily Post: Disappointment

BAR_LINE

Dear Director of the Universe and all Existence,

I’m pissed. There is no other way to convey my feeling. I could be “proper,” and say, “I’m angry,” but I’m not. Angry does not convey the same quality of emotion as the vulgarity of the word, “pissed.” And, I am pissed!

You have plotted a path for me. I have traveled with faith, and without it. Neither position seemed to make a difference in the outcome of my personal path.

I have learned that every hardship in life makes us stronger — spiritually, personally, and emotionally. But, man oh man, You have brought me to the end of my limit now.

You were there when I made big, bad, life-choices. You probably laughed at what lay ahead of me in my life-lessons of consequences. Yeah. You laughed, I cried while learning and growing. And, I grew. And, I learned. But, what on earth, Heaven or Hell made you think that I was strong enough for this last lesson? The lesson of “pain?”

I watched with you, as my late husband died, unexpectedly, 29 years ago. I watched, with you, as my son was devoured by pancreatic cancer — last year. And here’s the kicker…

The morning that I left my son’s home to return to my home in Oklahoma, because I needed urgent eye surgery, my dying son woke up, and had breakfast ready for his brother and I.

Sure, it was just a microwave Aunt Jemima egg muffin, but, it was warm, it was ready for us, … so was hot coffee… at 4 o’clock in the morning! How, how, how does a body do that two weeks away from dying? Two weeks away from starvation finally claiming his life? How does one COOK for others while not being able to eat? What a cruel, vicious being you are.

I could not work today, at my transcription job, because of pains and bruises from a weekend of raking and bagging leafs.

spinePain

©Google Images

My neck, disc problems, prevented the use of my shoulders/arms. I spent the day doing nothing other than thinking about what I wanted/planned to do today. I spent the day consumed with anger. I had the will, my body did not have the power.

Today reminded me of what my son must have felt as his body withered, eaten away by cancer, but he had the perseverance/fortitude and did what he wanted to do! Why can’t I?

2015_0308_96_CarWreck004

©Swoosieque

Sure, I’ve had cancer, I’m still alive (right now) but the damage that was done to my body after that ’96 car wreck is coming to haunt my spine… my ability to do the physical things I have always done is but a memory.

Nothing was bigger than me, even when I was a sprite, 105 lb. mother of four. I was bigger than my ambitions, my projects, and I succeeded. I always found a ‘way’ to succeed.

Where/when did I lose that power? Why could I not “work” today?

If I cannot “do,” I do not want to continue in this earthly plane. For me, the worst Hell would be to be restricted, physically, from “doing.”

But, hey, the choice is not mine, is it?

Nope. The choice of what comes to me is not mine, but, how I deal with it, is. And, I will tell you what, Mr./Ms. Director of the Universe and all Existence, I will not go down quietly.

UphillBattle

©Google Images

I will wear my bruises proudly, walk with a limp, and know that I am the mother of sons… brave, honorable, productive spirits. I will face the bodily pains and limitations, and fight to “keep doing.” I will not go down peaceably, and I will rant and complain.

So, there you go. My testament to the Universe and Who/Whatever controls it… I am real, I am spirit, I am fierce, I will “be” whatever I will be, but I will NOT be a quitter.

Throw at me whatever you have next. I will … my spirit will conquer.

BAR_LINE