I’m pissed. There is no other way to convey my feeling. I could be “proper,” and say, “I’m angry,” but I’m not. Angry does not convey the same quality of emotion as the vulgarity of the word, “pissed.” And, I am pissed!
You have plotted a path for me. I have traveled with faith, and without it. Neither position seemed to make a difference in the outcome of my personal path.
I have learned that every hardship in life makes us stronger — spiritually, personally, and emotionally. But, man oh man, You have brought me to the end of my limit now.
You were there when I made big, bad, life-choices. You probably laughed at what lay ahead of me in my life-lessons of consequences. Yeah. You laughed, I cried while learning and growing. And, I grew. And, I learned. But, what on earth, Heaven or Hell made you think that I was strong enough for this last lesson? The lesson of “pain?”
I watched with you, as my late husband died, unexpectedly, 29 years ago. I watched, with you, as my son was devoured by pancreatic cancer — last year. And here’s the kicker…
The morning that I left my son’s home to return to my home in Oklahoma, because I needed urgent eye surgery, my dying son woke up, and had breakfast ready for his brother and I.
Sure, it was just a microwave Aunt Jemima egg muffin, but, it was warm, it was ready for us, … so was hot coffee… at 4 o’clock in the morning! How, how, how does a body do that two weeks away from dying? Two weeks away from starvation finally claiming his life? How does one COOK for others while not being able to eat? What a cruel, vicious being you are.
I could not work today, at my transcription job, because of pains and bruises from a weekend of raking and bagging leafs.
My neck, disc problems, prevented the use of my shoulders/arms. I spent the day doing nothing other than thinking about what I wanted/planned to do today. I spent the day consumed with anger. I had the will, my body did not have the power.
Today reminded me of what my son must have felt as his body withered, eaten away by cancer, but he had the perseverance/fortitude and did what he wanted to do! Why can’t I?
Sure, I’ve had cancer, I’m still alive (right now) but the damage that was done to my body after that ’96 car wreck is coming to haunt my spine… my ability to do the physical things I have always done is but a memory.
Nothing was bigger than me, even when I was a sprite, 105 lb. mother of four. I was bigger than my ambitions, my projects, and I succeeded. I always found a ‘way’ to succeed.
Where/when did I lose that power? Why could I not “work” today?
If I cannot “do,” I do not want to continue in this earthly plane. For me, the worst Hell would be to be restricted, physically, from “doing.”
But, hey, the choice is not mine, is it?
Nope. The choice of what comes to me is not mine, but, how I deal with it, is. And, I will tell you what, Mr./Ms. Director of the Universe and all Existence, I will not go down quietly.
I will wear my bruises proudly, walk with a limp, and know that I am the mother of sons… brave, honorable, productive spirits. I will face the bodily pains and limitations, and fight to “keep doing.” I will not go down peaceably, and I will rant and complain.
So, there you go. My testament to the Universe and Who/Whatever controls it… I am real, I am spirit, I am fierce, I will “be” whatever I will be, but I will NOT be a quitter.
Throw at me whatever you have next. I will … my spirit will conquer.