The Best Christmas Letter Ever

ChristmasLetterMany of us receive “Christmas Letters” from family and friends along with or separate from greeting cards. Letters of this sort leave me with a sour taste for one particular reason – they are written by persons who are too busy to include/remember you in their everyday lives, whether it be a quick phone call, text or email during the year to exchange events of all of your lives.

No, the people who write these letters are, in my opinion, narcissists who have accumulated a “following” of friends who, in the narcissist’s mind, must be kept up to date with all the important events of their life which you missed out on during the course of the year. Oh, how the forgotten followers must be gratified and fulfilled to receive that once-a-year contact from the Christmas-Letter-Narcissist.

I have never written a Christmas Letter, ever. I send Christmas cards with hand-written notes wishing good cheer and specific messages pertaining to their lives, but, now, I will share with you what an honest Christmas Letter might truly be saying:

Dear John and Missy,
I hope your year was as successful and thrilling as ours! Translation: that is a lie and you will never know what I really think of you losers. I can be certain that your year was not successful nor thrilling. You can’t even afford a new car every year like we can, you have no class, aren’t worldly and without any clue as to what is chic nor are you educated in proper etiquette. Yet, I send you this letter every year because I know how much you look forward to hearing from your only upper-class friend’s adventures of which you will never experience nor have the ability to imagine.

Our year began with terrific news as Alastair tripled profits from our investment portfolios.  Translation: I know that you don’t know what that means, and if I were to put it into plain English, we have three times more money than we did last year, basically more money than you will ever make in your lifetimes. 

Alastair promised to take me on a special expedition for our 40th anniversary, so we spent it on an European Castle Tour, visiting Germany, France and Switzerland. Translation: An expedition is a sort of vacation to exotic places around the world, like when you go camping in tents and sleep in sleeping bags in nearby camp grounds, except, for us, we slept in exclusive hotels where dignitaries stay (dignitaries are important people.)


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The castles in Germany and France were surrounded by charming towns and we cruised on the Rhine River. Translation: A cruise is a vacation on a luxurious, floating hotel with every entertainment and amenity imaginable.

The Germanic and French architecture and culture intrigued us.  Translation: That means there were differences in the designs of buildings in the different countries.


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We went  sightseeing in Strasbourg and Colmar, and followed the Alsatian Wine Route. We purchased some very expensive French wines to ship home and I know exactly where they will be stored in our wine cellar. I can hardly wait to throw Alastair’s annual celebration for the Board of Directors this coming summer where we will pop open those wines and feast on farm-raised Osetra Golden Imperial Russian Caviar!  Translation: The closest you could come to imagine what I am describing is to envision a night by your algae-filled pond, drinking Boone’s Farm Apple Wine and chewing on your own home-grown, bonfire-grilled catfish.  
Our next stop was at the Rhine Falls at the German corner of Switzerland, we also explored gorgeous Lucerne, and enjoyed breathtaking views from the top of Mount Pilatus.  Translation: Too bad you have no idea of the places I’m talking about, not even sure you would know how to find them on a world map or even leave your State for a day trip.

Andres and Addison, you remember, our twins, they graduated from Princeton and we are so proud of them! They are off to becoming successful entrepreneurs!  Translation: We spent a shitload of money to send those two spoiled brats to an ivy-league school and they are still living at home with us, without jobs.

All in all, it was a very good year!  We must chat some time soon, perhaps over coffee and napoleons! Translation:  The year sucked! I caught Alastair having an affair with his slutty assistant and rather than file for divorce, he settled for meeting the material needs our class culture should provide me and I look forward to world travel every year along with jewels and new cars. By the way, there is no way in hell that I want to bore myself with your company whether it be over coffee or champagne.  

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from your friends, Alastair and Gabriela Translation: I have met my obligation for staying in contact with my fan club.

So, there you have it, my reason for despising Christmas Letters. I find them insulting, hypocritical and a significant reminder of how little importance the recipient is to the sender.


4 responses to “The Best Christmas Letter Ever

  1. We have some friends like that. Oddly, I seem to have lost touch with most of them … 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This had me grinning. I received a content-similar email some years back from a classmate who went on to become a medical doctor. Hers was an endless drip on the intelligence of her 2 kids and the private schools they attended and how she had to struggle to keep up with their stupendous cognitive abilities. As I read her mail, my own bunch was out in the garden swinging from trees and screaming like wild banshees. I was immediately grateful that my husband and I sat pretty low on the totem pole of career success because it meant a simple but deeply enriching and fulfilling life for us and our kids.

    I never replied to that email despite 2 more from her. I knew that she only contacted me because she was a loser in the medical fraternity, not having passed her specialist exams despite several tries and moving from country to country. All she wanted was an uplift for herself through the adulation of her country bumpkin pal.

    I have much better things to do than to play star-struck groupie to insecure and shallow people 😀

    Liked by 1 person

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