My Son’s Pancreatic Cancer

My breakdown has passed the destructive, volatile, angry and hopeless stage where I questioned everything according to my ‘whys.’

  • Why my son? His father widowed me, at least our children were older than my son’s babies who are 2 and 4.
  • Why? This pain is the absolute worst pain in life, for his wife – she is his life partner and for her to be left with two young children is so, so, wrong. Not to mention me, his mother, who carried him, loved him, laughed, cried, argued, and applauded him for his accomplishments.
  • Why? They are good, responsible parents and adult children to their families. His wife lost her mother to breast cancer. My son lost his father to pulmonary something when he was 8 years old.

How is this supposed to make us grow through this loss of such an important son, husband, father, brother, uncle?

Just the other day, St. Patrick’s Day to be exact, my son learned of his diagnosis with pancreatic cancer which has spread to his liver. He has lost 25 pounds within the last month, weight which he cannot afford to lose since he is tall and thin to begin with.

My anger has passed. I am in the hurting phase, crying at anything that sparks a memory, a tune, an advertisement with little children… “How long,” I asked my husband, “before the tears stop?”

“I don’t think they ever stop.”

So, after screaming and wailing in denial and accusations to God, even told Him that I hated Him. I came back this morning and prayed and apologized for being a brat, but He knows my heart. He knew what my reaction would be.

Now, today, with tears in my heart and soul, every broken, shattered piece of faith is rising for me to grab on to and beg for mercy. I pray for a miracle.

Pancreatic cancer which has already spread to the liver is typically considered a death sentence. I know that, my son knows that, his wife and brothers know that. I am going to cross that line of faith and say that I believe that God can heal my son, no matter how advanced the cancer. What medical science cannot do, I believe, I believe that prayer, sincere and trusting, can cure him.

I believe. I trust. I pray. I hope.

BAR_LINE2

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25 responses to “My Son’s Pancreatic Cancer

  1. I cannot “like” this. Do not lose your faith, but do not expect God to fix it. Do not think there’s a “purpose” to this and that people will “grow” from it. Don’t look for justice (there isn’t any). Love your son and his wife and your grandchildren and your husband and yourself with all you’ve got and thank God for that gift because it’s the best we have. I write this from a position of some experience — too much experience — with loss. Love is our redemption, patience is faith. I’m very sorry for your bad news and if you were not angry and sad, you would not be human. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thinking of you in this difficult time. Life unfortunately sometimes is very unfair.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. My brother died of pancreatic cancer. Would earlier detection have made a difference? In theory, maybe, but usually, pancreatic cancer kills. It runs in my family, along with breast cancer. Both maternal grandparents and my brother were victims of it. I haven’t wanted to say anything because I don’t have anything comforting to say. It’s not fair, it’s all wrong, it’s cruel. I miss my brother and I will never stop missing him. There’s no way to make peace with it and we all have to find our own way through shock and grief. I’m terribly sorry. It’s a horrible thing.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Marilyn, there’s nothing easy about truth, and I know, because my family has been riddled with cancer, maternal and paternal families. My paternal grandfather died from pancreatic cancer which spread to his liver.

      I heard from my daughter-in-law with a little bit of news, my son is in the hospital, finally on an IV and they are doing more testing, an MRI. She promised to call me when she will be leaving the hospital.

      They live in Calgary and I’m trying to get hold of Delta to change a flight that I had planned for the summer but these darn airlines are so busy, they will phone me back in an hour.

      I phoned my doctor’s office and asked for some coping drugs, I need them, I thought I was having a stroke this morning, my blood pressure sky-rocketed to 145/92. Took a xanax and calmed down and it’s back to normal. I need to be strong for all of them when I’m there.

      Thanks again Marilyn. Here’s but another thing we sadly have in common.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Yesterday I could feel your heartbreak when I read your post. Today I feel your hope. With Christ, there’s NEVER a day without hope. You absolutely have the right attitude. Pray for that miracle! Don’t listen to those who say it’s pointless. In 2012, I walked around with a huge blood clot in my leg for two weeks before it was treated. I’m fine now. Why didn’t it kill me? God wasn’t finished with me yet. It wasn’t my time.

    Reach out for that “hope rope,” grab onto it and hold it strongly as you can. As for “why” stuff like this happens, we don’t know … and we won’t fully know and see how everything worked together until we get to heaven.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I’m so very sorry you and your son and his poor family are going through this. It’s heartbreaking. I will add you to my prayer list.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. It would be nice to say something clever, or comforting, or even useful at a time like this, but I have nothing.
    Your son is surrounded by people who love him. Don’t forget that you are too.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. oh I am so sorry to see this , I just popped over to give you a hug for sharing a post on ladybugs page and see this , my heart goes out to you , and i send you blessings and healing thoughts to your son and to you and the family. I once wondered what I could possibly do for fellow bloggers whom i got to know and were sick or going through a crisis and someone shared this with me she said kathy wrap them in light and and send blessing tonight all I can do is wrap you all in this light and send you blessings . Love and hugs Kathy. xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I can’t even imagine what you must be going through!!! A mother, her child… Life is suppose to be years of happiness together… Why in the world would that be taken away??? There are no answers, just a dark hole of emptiness leaving us in a terrible place!!! My heart, my tears and my prayers are with you and your family as you try to get through this. There are no words… Know that I am thinking of you and praying for a miracle. God bless ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Lord, I pray your healing power over Swoosie’s son. Send your light and your love to his family, along with your peace, which passes all understanding.

    Swoosie, I join in your prayers for a miracle. I’ve seen miraculous things, and I’d love it if your son’s healing were one of them. If the miracle happens not to come, though, know that it is NOT because you didn’t pray hard enough, or have enough faith. God knows your heart, and He can heal your son. This is a fallen world, though, and sometimes, really, horribly, bad sh*t happens. I stand with you in faith. Peace to you, my dear.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Thinking of you in this difficult time.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. May your prayers be answered.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Dear Swoosieque, Thank you for sharing about your son’s condition, and your distress. I want to give you hope and comfort today. I had 4th stage malignant colon cancer. I had a tumour the size of an orange. With my condition I would not have lived long even with the doctor’s treatment. I was depressed, hopeless and didn’t care if I died.
    It will be five years on Easter Monday since I was diagnosed. Today I am totally free from cancer and healthier than before.
    I know God healed me. My family and others prayed for me. I want to ressure you that God in heaven hears your heart’s cry. He is distressed because you are distressed, as it says in the scripture below.
    In all their distress he too was distressed, and the angel of his presence saved them. In his love and mercy he redeemed them; he lifted them up and carried them all the days of old. (‭Isaiah‬ ‭63‬:‭9‬ NIV)
    I went through five weeks of chemotherapy and radiotherapy but had no side effects. The treatment say the doctors will only reduce the tumour not remove it. The doctor wanted to do surgery but I knew I was healed. They said “This is unheard of”.
    Do not dispair. God is near. You said you would give your life for your son. Someone already has given his life for him. Jesus died on the cross in your son’s place. He died so our sins can be forgiven and our diseases healed. It is true today. I am proof of God’s power to heal today. Please believe this and receive the healing for your son today. I am going to pray for your family and get others who believe in God healing today and we will continue to pray for you.
    You can buy my book on Amazon about my healing. It is called Staying Alive. Another leaflet I recommend is Jodie Olseen Healed of Cancer, also on the internet. I listened to a CD by Holly Wagner about healing scriptures. You are in a battle. Do not give up. God does hear the prayer of a widow and a mother.
    Blessings Angela

    Like

  13. Hi. Sharing – http://www.cbsnews.com/news/billionaire-doctor-fights-cancer-in-unconventional-way/ an impressive 60 mins. Episode. Dr. Soon Shiong. Has pancreatic cancer surviving longer than ever known. He is in LA A scientist, billionaire, visionary. Genome sequencing. I do not know cost. Crowd funding? And more info …http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Patrick_Soon-Shiong. There is hope.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. It is hard for me to click ‘like’ for the obvious reasons…I lost my father to this disease nearly 8 years & do what I can to raise awareness as well funding for the Lustgarten Foundation for Pancreatic Cancer Research. I am very sorry to hear of your son’s prognosis. Prayers and love are what he needs. No matter what, keep the positivity and love channeling through him at this time xo

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Joseph, all that i am able to do is actions through my deepest love. I want him to be comfortable and without pain. I want to listen and talk if he wants to talk. I will remain strong until he is gone and then a part of me will die with him.

      Like

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