My breakdown has passed the destructive, volatile, angry and hopeless stage where I questioned everything according to my ‘whys.’
- Why my son? His father widowed me, at least our children were older than my son’s babies who are 2 and 4.
- Why? This pain is the absolute worst pain in life, for his wife – she is his life partner and for her to be left with two young children is so, so, wrong. Not to mention me, his mother, who carried him, loved him, laughed, cried, argued, and applauded him for his accomplishments.
- Why? They are good, responsible parents and adult children to their families. His wife lost her mother to breast cancer. My son lost his father to pulmonary something when he was 8 years old.
How is this supposed to make us grow through this loss of such an important son, husband, father, brother, uncle?
Just the other day, St. Patrick’s Day to be exact, my son learned of his diagnosis with pancreatic cancer which has spread to his liver. He has lost 25 pounds within the last month, weight which he cannot afford to lose since he is tall and thin to begin with.
My anger has passed. I am in the hurting phase, crying at anything that sparks a memory, a tune, an advertisement with little children… “How long,” I asked my husband, “before the tears stop?”
“I don’t think they ever stop.”
So, after screaming and wailing in denial and accusations to God, even told Him that I hated Him. I came back this morning and prayed and apologized for being a brat, but He knows my heart. He knew what my reaction would be.
Now, today, with tears in my heart and soul, every broken, shattered piece of faith is rising for me to grab on to and beg for mercy. I pray for a miracle.
Pancreatic cancer which has already spread to the liver is typically considered a death sentence. I know that, my son knows that, his wife and brothers know that. I am going to cross that line of faith and say that I believe that God can heal my son, no matter how advanced the cancer. What medical science cannot do, I believe, I believe that prayer, sincere and trusting, can cure him.
I believe. I trust. I pray. I hope.