Faith

How dare you?

How dare you come after my child?

Take my heart. Take my soul. Take what’s left of my hopes and dreams.

Spit upon me for all that I have done wrong. Do NOT take my child.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no… I fell to the floor upon reading the email where my son told me of his illness.

I SCREAMED, the cat hid, the dogs ran, I am surprised the neighbors didn’t come to the house. I wailed. I did not know what “wailing” meant until today.

No, no, no, no, no… not my child.

I do not want to outlive my children.

With all that is happening in the world, what right have I to ask anything. I believe I have a right because my son is good. His 2 & 4 year old children need a good father. Do not make his wife a widow.

I am lost within my beliefs that there is such a thing as praying for good. The balance between right and wrong. I wonder. Is there really a higher power who cares? Are we just pawns?

My child’s life isn’t going to change the world. Will my faith? Will yours? Is there really a balance?

I don’t know. I don’t care. I am the mother. Balance doesn’t deserve my son as a trinket.

“Show me you are real, show me a cardinal…” A fuc***g blue jay came to my water bowl.

The night grew longer. “Show me you hear me, send me an owl.” Owls are not a big deal.

No owls. No birds. No fuck*n’ bats.

I prayed relentlessly for the son that went to war. I prayed, knowing that he went to war in fit shape. The battle was yet to begin. I felt that I, my prayers had a head start.

He lived.

Now, now, I am informed of a battle with another son. A battle which is half won before I even knew there was a battle.

Pancreatic cancer which has spread to the liver.

No, no, no, no, no…
BAR_LINE2

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10 responses to “Faith

  1. I am so sorry. Really so very sorry.

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  2. I am so sorry too – ❤ ❤ ❤

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  3. Ah! So sorry!! Big hugs!

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  4. With you in spirit. So sorry to hear this.

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  5. Oh my goodness!! Terrible news, I am so sorry. Prayers and hugs ❤️

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  6. I am so sorry to hear this. Prayers ascending.

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  7. Oh my goodness–how terrible and awful, Swoosieque. I hope he is getting the very best care imaginable. I’m hoping for the best for you both; if there’s anything that “we” as a blogging community can do, please say the word.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Yes, I “liked” your post … not the content or the fact that you woke up mad. I liked it because you captured all the trauma and heartbreak of those moments in your blog.

    First off, I won’t say I’m sorry because I used to work with a lady who some years back was diagnosed with Stage 4 colon cancer. They thought it would kill her. Then it spread to her liver and they only gave her a month at best. The month came and went, but she was still here. She’s ALIVE and kicking, and that was back in the early 90s

    Secondly, I *will* say I’ll send up lots of prayers for you and your son. It’s OK to question God in moments like this. It’s even OK to get angry at him. What’s NOT OK is to stop believing in him. Do we know why a loving, merciful God would do something like this? No. His thoughts are higher than ours; his ways are higher than our ways. We can’t question cos we’ll NEVER find the correct answers to the puzzle until we die. It’ll do nothing but drive us crazy in the meantime like you’ve already experienced.

    Cry out to God and ask him why. Literally cry, scream and yell your heart out. He can take it. It’ll make you feel better. And pray — although it seems impossible right now — with childlike faith that he will heal your son. God is known as The Great Physician. If he can’t do it here, he’ll do it there. Either way your son will be cancer free.

    But do make sure that your son believes in Christ as his Savior first. Some believe all go to heaven when they do not. Only Christ followers do. Any time you want to talk, I’m here.

    Lara

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  9. Oh dear friend…sending heartfelt prayers quickly to you and your son. Keeping your family in my prayers. We are here for you xo

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  10. So sorry to hear this. Keeping you and family in my thoughts.

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