I started this months ago, and within ten minutes today, finished it. So, even though the total time is probably more like twenty minutes, today’s portion was only ten minutes, so, here’s my post for today’s Daily Prompt: Ready, Set, Done.
Back in May 2014, I read a quote from a post of Misifusa’s. I was so inspired by the quote that I knew I had to write about it. But first, I need to thank Misifusa for her post. Thank you Misifusa!
Here’s the quote: Stand up and walk out of your history. ~ Phil McGraw
“Behind the smile, beneath the beauty, far beyond her deep-set eyes, there lives a fractured spirit, hidden from your eyes, your senses, your judgment.” ~ Swoosieque
She hides it so well – the pain and self-doubt. She does not want you to see her ugliness. Ugliness – one of the first lessons she learned from her mother. “We don’t have any baby pictures of you because you were so ugly! We weren’t going to spend money on pictures of an ugly kid.”
You also do not know how stupid she is. Mother threw the learning-aids (clothespins) at her in frustration when she was teaching her to count, in Kindergarten days. With multiple, daily doses of, “You big dummy,” she was terrified of being discovered for who she really was. She kept her mouth shut, was a quiet kid. She did not want her schoolmates to know the truth about her imbecility. After all, the brother before her was brilliant, he would win a full, four-year scholarship to Harvard a few years down the road.
Mother’s attitude was quickly learned by the other offspring who were allowed to tease, torment, and belittle Dummy, even the brilliant one who ended up going to Harvard. His intelligence contributed to complicated schemes upon her. There was much laughter to be had for her tears.
At nine years old, while kneeling upon her bed, saying her prayers (she was afraid to kneel upon the floor because there were mice in the house and with her stupid brain, she felt sure they could not crawl up, on the bed.) Eyes closed, bedroom light on, she was at the part of her prayers asking for blessings to her family when suddenly, brainiac brother yelled, “Look! It’s a spider!”
Dummy’s eyes opened to find a black tarantula clinging to her pajamas. She went into hysterics, screaming, flailing at the creature which refused release from her clothing. Finally, Mother came into the room and belted her several times across the face! “WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?”
Explanations were useless. The brothers sat in the kitchen laughing their hearts out while Mother continued her own tirade of verbal abuse.
When all had settled, the fake, hairy spider lay innocently upon the floor, laughter from the brothers depleted, the big dummy laid in her bed, curled in fetal position, heaving silently – oceans of tears and heartache. Again she prayed quietly, this time, a different prayer, “PLEASE, LET ME DIE! I DON’T WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE. PLEASE GOD. PLEASE LET ME DIE. I’M NOT SCARED, EVEN IF IT HURTS. PLEASE.”
Suddenly, a feeling of being hugged overcame her, of course, no physical being was there. Yet, the feeling was more real to her than any of the pain she had endured and certainly more real than any affection she had ever known. She was enveloped in love, a pure love and her tears began to slow. She ‘heard’ in her mind these exact words, “It is not your time. You cannot come home yet. When you do come home, this will all be but a dream.” With that, Dummy girl drifted off into a peaceful sleep.
Those words from the spirit, the angel, whomever, have sufficed to strengthen Dummy girl to live. After high school graduation, she married her high school boyfriend. That was her solution to escape the unhealthy atmosphere of home.
Did she really stand up and walk out of her history? She survived. She moved far away. She endured and contributed to society. She is an outcast of that birth family with no communications between birth siblings.
She raised her own children with great love and encouragement. Great love and encouragement!
Darkness and pain, however, will always be ready to attack from under their hiding places, beneath thickened emotional scars that still, sometimes rip open and bleed. We can turn our back on our history. We can stand up and walk out of our history, but, it will forever remain a part of who we are – we are its reflection. It molded our character.