Echocardiogram a.k.a. Ultrasound of the Heart

Echocardiogram Copyright: Unknown

The results are in (011514). The echocardiogram is normal. Whew, this is great news! Results from all the blood tests are in as well. My cholesterol is teetering on the high side, but nothing that cannot be controlled by losing weight and exercising. This is good news, especially since I told the doctor during our initial visit that I did not want to take any pills. I think it is always better if you can heal yourself with changes to behavior and habits.

I also began an earnest effort to include vegetables with every meal. I  ordered the Ninja Pro blender to replace the Oster blender I currently use to make morning smoothies. I have also “tried” to start a walking regimen on my treadmill, but that must wait until I find out why I am in such pain when I try to walk. I have a doctor’s appointment on Tuesday, the 21st, hopefully some diagnostic tests, x-rays or CT Scan, will be ordered.

I must confess, I am worried. I have read too many stories about women who think they are clear of cancer, after mastectomies, only to find they have cancer somewhere else and the indicator was pain in their hips.

I do not want to live the rest of my life in fear. Nor do I want to live the rest of my life as a hypochondriac, but, maybe I will for just a little while until I have these aches and pains checked out and dismissed.

The truth is, yes, I am scared. That is the first and last time I will ever admit that.

Original Photo Copyright: Unknown

Now, excuse me while I pull up my big girl panties and brush off those crumbs of fear.

Deep Within My Identity

Deep within, I am aware of a growing emotion to express some part of my soul which feels as though it is coming to surface. This feeling has been developing ever since I was diagnosed with breast cancer in June of 2013, it is a deeper feeling than the fear I anticipated after the diagnosis; this swelling sensation is more about awareness of life and its meaning, specifically my life, my memories, my identity. That’s it! “My identity,” who am I? Who am I, devoid of all the labels acquired in my sixty years of living? When I die, “who” will be dying?

Right from the start, I was born with defining labels: female, daughter, sister, niece, cousin, and granddaughter. These labels, along with their characteristics, would contribute to who I became, as my parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents echoed back to me the essence of my existence through their interaction and responses to my presence. Through their socialization, and the socialization of classmates, friends, teachers, physicians, boyfriends and past employers I grew to be a person molded by my responses to everyone. But, who was I? Who am I without my labels? I do not know the answer to this question without first stripping away the labels of my life.

At my age, sixty years, no one will ever refer to me as their daughter anymore, that label withered away when my last surviving parent died, neither am I any living person’s granddaughter, death took away my grandparents years ago. The label of “sister” is no longer applicable since I am ostracized by my siblings. Other labels which were acquired but are no longer applicable are student, classical pianist, seamstress, business owner…

My current labels include niece, cousin, wife, mother, widow, 2nd wife, grandmother, friend, semi-retired Finance Manager, breast cancer survivor and blogger. Wow. This list is an eye opener; I thought I was more than these few labels, is this all that I am? Perhaps not.

With all the labels of my life stripped away, I am the culmination of every sensation of the world around me, processed through my existence – my soul. I am that mirror, which reflects every encounter of my life, no matter how microscopic, etched upon my soul.

What about you? What is left after stripping all of your labels? Do you know who you are?